Thursday, January 27, 2005




From preppie to frat boy to college dropout, from high school athlete to co-ed softball player, from weekend drinker and joint smoker to full blown drunk and pothead, Scott was on a classic downward spiral and he was the last person to see it.

Even though he was a few years younger that I was, and even though we had grown up not more than ten miles from each other, Scott seemed to think that I was some rube in from the hinterlands who needed his wisdom in order to get by.

Some of what Scott told me:

"The blacks get the best pot. That's why I hang out with Veldon and Charlie. They get me dynamite shit, and they never rip me off."

"A Camaro's the best car. Chicks love Camaros. You never have to worry about getting laid if you have a Camaro. And they're fast, too."

"I buy cartons of cigarettes and keep the extra packs in the refrigerator. That way they don't get stale."

"My girlfriend, Janis, she's all right, but she wants to get engaged."

"I don't want to get engaged because right now, I go out with Janis on Saturdays and I can do what I want on Fridays, but if I got engaged I would have to go out with Janis on Fridays too."

"But then again, Janis doesn't really want to do a lot of fucking until we get engaged, so if I did get engaged, I would probably get laid more."

"Where I went to college, out west, they don't have TastyCakes. I had my mom mail them to me, but they weren't as good. I guess they got stale in the mail."

"Did you ever notice how, except for the blacks, that a lot of the people working at the bank are Scottish? I think that's why they hired me, because of my name."

"My mother, she has the best job. She works for a company that owns the song Happy Birthday. And all day long, all they do is open checks from people that have used that song and have to pay them. I could get a job over there right now, but it might be a little too weird, working with my mother all day."

"People around here think Bud is the best beer, but the best beer is Coors."

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