Thursday, September 09, 2004
THE ULRICKEY BOYS, KURT AND RAY
They rode up together on their bikes, big clunky no gear fat tire contraptions. One looked a little older than me, one a little younger. They both had stand-up crew cuts, and were both wearing white t-shirts, long green work pants, and alarmingly, black tie shoes instead of sneakers.
I'd seen enough tv reruns to have a reference point. They both looked as if they'd escaped from a 50's sitcom and had somehow materialized in my driveway years after the fact.
"We're the Ulrickeys," the bigger one said. "I'm Ray and this is Kurt."
"Hi," I said.
"We heard you just moved in. We'd like to be friends with you." Again from the bigger one. The younger one just stood there sporting a classic dopey smile. "Can we be your friends?"
I was only twelve at the time, but I knew a golden opportunity when I saw one. I'd also read Tom Sawyer and taken its lessons to heart.
I was standing there because my mother had sent me out to plant a row of bushes along the edge of the driveway. It was hot, the ground was hard. I didn't want to do it.
"We can be friends," I said, "if you plant these bushes down this row. I'll mark where each one should go."
This was to be the extent of my participation. I didn't want their help; I wanted them to do all the work. I didn't sell my friendship cheaply.
"OK," the older one said. He looked at his brother. "Let's get to work."
He took the shovel and started digging. I went into the garage and got a shovel for the younger one.
"Here," I said. "You can start on that end."
I went into the house and got myself a big glass of lemonade. I took it out and sat in the shade of the apple tree.
"If you get thirsty, there's a hose on the side of the garage," I said.
They were good workers. In just over two hours all the bushes were planted.
"Do you want to play now?" the older one asked.
"No, thanks," I said. "I have to go in."
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Tempting Ending: The Ulrickeys pedaled away. I never saw them again. When I asked around the neighborhood no one had heard of them or knew any boys matching their description.
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Alternate Ending: They did come back a few times, but I would never come out and play with them. A few years later the older one hit puberty and got big and mean and frustrated and came over and beat the tar out of me for my past behavior.
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Poetic Justice Ending: Instead of beating me up, the big one snuck back one night and ripped up all the bushes he'd been tricked into planting. My parents called the police but they were unable to generate any leads. I was too ashamed of my behavior to point to the likely culprits.
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Gothic Ending: Instead of beating me up, the big one snuck up and hit me in the back of the head with a shovel.
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From there - 1: It was a glancing blow, he ran away, and that was the end of it.
Or - 2: It was a direct hit. I spent several weeks in the hospital and barely avoided brain damage. I was unable to identify my attacker because of traumatic short-term memory loss associated with the impact of the shovel on my cranium.
Or: - 2a Additionally, I had to have a plate put in my head. This causes me endless trouble at airport security checkpoints.
Or - 3: All of 2 and 2a but I was unable to avoid the brain damage. I still suffer from seizures and have a mild form of aphasia which limits my ability to communicate in normal fashion, although it doesn't affect blogging.
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The Underside Of Suburbia Ending: It turned out that the Ulrickeys were well-known neighborhood characters. They were a little slow (as they said in those days), but hard workers and eager to please. Everyone took advantage of them. The guy across the street "let" them mow his lawn for years and never paid them a cent. Someone else actually signed them up for a paper route, then did their collections each week and kept the money.
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Armisted Maupin Ending: The older one was a burgeoning homosexual masochist. He loved being ordered around. He would grow up and move to San Francisco where all his tendencies could be indulged without pretense.
The younger one was grinning the dopey grin because he had figured out the whole setup. He was not gay, but he would also grow up and move to San Francisco where he would chronicle the lifestyle of his brother and of his brother's friends and parlay his inside look at this deviant culture into a three book deal.
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American Gothic /American Beauty Ending: The boys were forced to dress like 50's relics because of their controlling overbearing older father. He drank, abused his wife, and treated his boys like indentured servants. They were rarely allowed to leave the property.
From this - 1: The old man dropped dead of a heart attack and the family was released.
Or - 2: Things got worse and worse. There were screamings and beatings. The police were there more often than not. The shades were drawn. The grass grew higher and higher. The wife and kids were hardly ever seen. No one knew what the heck was going on.
Or - 3: As the old man grew older and the kids grew bigger, he was forced to ease up. The boys moved out after high school, the old man died, the wife moved in with her sister in Iowa.
The house was sold to a young vibrant family and the curse was lifted.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'd seen enough tv reruns to have a reference point. They both looked as if they'd escaped from a 50's sitcom and had somehow materialized in my driveway years after the fact.
"We're the Ulrickeys," the bigger one said. "I'm Ray and this is Kurt."
"Hi," I said.
"We heard you just moved in. We'd like to be friends with you." Again from the bigger one. The younger one just stood there sporting a classic dopey smile. "Can we be your friends?"
I was only twelve at the time, but I knew a golden opportunity when I saw one. I'd also read Tom Sawyer and taken its lessons to heart.
I was standing there because my mother had sent me out to plant a row of bushes along the edge of the driveway. It was hot, the ground was hard. I didn't want to do it.
"We can be friends," I said, "if you plant these bushes down this row. I'll mark where each one should go."
This was to be the extent of my participation. I didn't want their help; I wanted them to do all the work. I didn't sell my friendship cheaply.
"OK," the older one said. He looked at his brother. "Let's get to work."
He took the shovel and started digging. I went into the garage and got a shovel for the younger one.
"Here," I said. "You can start on that end."
I went into the house and got myself a big glass of lemonade. I took it out and sat in the shade of the apple tree.
"If you get thirsty, there's a hose on the side of the garage," I said.
They were good workers. In just over two hours all the bushes were planted.
"Do you want to play now?" the older one asked.
"No, thanks," I said. "I have to go in."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tempting Ending: The Ulrickeys pedaled away. I never saw them again. When I asked around the neighborhood no one had heard of them or knew any boys matching their description.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alternate Ending: They did come back a few times, but I would never come out and play with them. A few years later the older one hit puberty and got big and mean and frustrated and came over and beat the tar out of me for my past behavior.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Poetic Justice Ending: Instead of beating me up, the big one snuck back one night and ripped up all the bushes he'd been tricked into planting. My parents called the police but they were unable to generate any leads. I was too ashamed of my behavior to point to the likely culprits.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gothic Ending: Instead of beating me up, the big one snuck up and hit me in the back of the head with a shovel.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From there - 1: It was a glancing blow, he ran away, and that was the end of it.
Or - 2: It was a direct hit. I spent several weeks in the hospital and barely avoided brain damage. I was unable to identify my attacker because of traumatic short-term memory loss associated with the impact of the shovel on my cranium.
Or: - 2a Additionally, I had to have a plate put in my head. This causes me endless trouble at airport security checkpoints.
Or - 3: All of 2 and 2a but I was unable to avoid the brain damage. I still suffer from seizures and have a mild form of aphasia which limits my ability to communicate in normal fashion, although it doesn't affect blogging.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Underside Of Suburbia Ending: It turned out that the Ulrickeys were well-known neighborhood characters. They were a little slow (as they said in those days), but hard workers and eager to please. Everyone took advantage of them. The guy across the street "let" them mow his lawn for years and never paid them a cent. Someone else actually signed them up for a paper route, then did their collections each week and kept the money.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Armisted Maupin Ending: The older one was a burgeoning homosexual masochist. He loved being ordered around. He would grow up and move to San Francisco where all his tendencies could be indulged without pretense.
The younger one was grinning the dopey grin because he had figured out the whole setup. He was not gay, but he would also grow up and move to San Francisco where he would chronicle the lifestyle of his brother and of his brother's friends and parlay his inside look at this deviant culture into a three book deal.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
American Gothic /American Beauty Ending: The boys were forced to dress like 50's relics because of their controlling overbearing older father. He drank, abused his wife, and treated his boys like indentured servants. They were rarely allowed to leave the property.
From this - 1: The old man dropped dead of a heart attack and the family was released.
Or - 2: Things got worse and worse. There were screamings and beatings. The police were there more often than not. The shades were drawn. The grass grew higher and higher. The wife and kids were hardly ever seen. No one knew what the heck was going on.
Or - 3: As the old man grew older and the kids grew bigger, he was forced to ease up. The boys moved out after high school, the old man died, the wife moved in with her sister in Iowa.
The house was sold to a young vibrant family and the curse was lifted.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
