Tuesday, September 14, 2004
DOUG, A PALLID PETTY CRIMINAL
Doug: Tall and skinny, death-white complexion, lank black hair, dead pig eyes, horn rimmed glasses.
His crimes:
In high school he worked as a cook at PancakePavilion. During his shifts he cooked extra dinners, carefully packed them in to-go containers and set them outside the back door. His burnout friends stopped by and picked them up. They were the the most well-fed group of pothead, speed freak, time wasting losers one could hope to see.
Doug lived across the street from a public golf course. His front door looked out on the 16th fairway. He regularly heard golfers cursing one particular tree that had been unfortunately, or unfairly, situated. In order to stop the complaining, Doug snuck out one night and cut down the tree.
One summer Doug invested in spray paint and stencils. With the stencils he made a template that said Lou Gravity. He spent many evenings spray painting that name on mailboxes throughout the township. This made the local papers.
When Doug was in college he convinced the facilities coordinator to donate outside space for community vendors to sell their wares. (In the interest of fostering good town and gown relations.) He then charged the vendors an arm and a leg for the privilege of selling on campus and pocketed those proceeds.
He got a degree in forensic pathology and a job at the state police investigations lab. One evening he slashed the tires of most of the cars in the lot ( both police and civilian vehicles). He was implicated, but not actually caught. He was dismissed, but not charged.
That's the last I've heard of him.
His crimes:
In high school he worked as a cook at PancakePavilion. During his shifts he cooked extra dinners, carefully packed them in to-go containers and set them outside the back door. His burnout friends stopped by and picked them up. They were the the most well-fed group of pothead, speed freak, time wasting losers one could hope to see.
Doug lived across the street from a public golf course. His front door looked out on the 16th fairway. He regularly heard golfers cursing one particular tree that had been unfortunately, or unfairly, situated. In order to stop the complaining, Doug snuck out one night and cut down the tree.
One summer Doug invested in spray paint and stencils. With the stencils he made a template that said Lou Gravity. He spent many evenings spray painting that name on mailboxes throughout the township. This made the local papers.
When Doug was in college he convinced the facilities coordinator to donate outside space for community vendors to sell their wares. (In the interest of fostering good town and gown relations.) He then charged the vendors an arm and a leg for the privilege of selling on campus and pocketed those proceeds.
He got a degree in forensic pathology and a job at the state police investigations lab. One evening he slashed the tires of most of the cars in the lot ( both police and civilian vehicles). He was implicated, but not actually caught. He was dismissed, but not charged.
That's the last I've heard of him.
